My New Neighbor

So, as most people know, I don't like spiders. Never have. I can't exactly say why. Maybe it's the way they paralyze their food and then digest it while it's still alive. Maybe it's all the legs and eyes. Actually, it's probably a combination of things, not least of which that a few of them can probably kill me.

So imagine my surprise and delight as my girlfriend brings me outside and says, "I want to show you something, but promise you won't freak out."

Now, whenever you hear something like that, you just know it's bad news. In my case, there's only a few things that could possible "freak" me "out". Sure enough, she parts the bushes to show me this:

Now, I know it's a little hard to appreciate the size of this fucking monster, so I took the liberty of creating for you a point of reference:

I expect any day now to get a knock on my door. I'll open it, and immediately be harpooned by two fangs, each the size of a Buick.

Don't be surprised, is all I'm saying.