Assassin's Creed (REVIEW!)

Sorry for the absence, it's been a busy month.

In the interim, I've beaten Assassin's Creed, which was...hrm. How to describe it?

First of all, I was expecting Prince of Persia meets Tenchu. This is not what I got.

The Prince of Persia-ness was delivered. The free-running through cities was a blast, and I enjoyed every second of it, even though my hands started to cramp up after hours of holding three buttons down at the same time. The Tenchu-ness, however, was not, unless you count the crappy combat system that you're forced to use.

Let me put it this way: stealth is not a necessary component of this game, and is in fact often detrimental to the gameplay. To assassinate your targets it is often easier to just run up to the dude and stab him in the face in front of 80 guards than it is to be all sneaky. Of the ten people you kill in the game, I eliminated two of them through stealth. That's one-fifth.

How does it play? Why, I'll describe it to you!

So, you're supposed to kill...some dude (who will be referred to hereafter as "Homeboy"). I don't remember his name. He's a badguy that is corrupt or something. Whatever. To be honest, I stopped paying attention to why I've been killing these folks shortly after my second mission, since you never get a straight answer anyway. All I know is that Mr. Head-Honcho McAssassin told me to rub this guy out, and that's what I'm gonna do.

I go around town collecting information on Homeboy by doing a number of sidequests (pickpocketing information, eavesdropping, mini-assassiations (which, by the by, are the most fun I had in the game), interrogation), and for some reason decided that the very best time to assassinate him would be while he's up on stage executing prisoners in front of a public audience while surrounded by armed guards. For the record, you have zero control over when you get to strike, as you're subjected to a scripted cutscene that serves to drive the point home that your target is a bad dude. Whatever. Fine. I'll kill him in front of 30 guards. Awesome plan.

So, you get to the stage, and it's just about what you'd expect. A ring of guards prevents you from approaching. There's about 100 people gathered to watch. I'm supposed to get up on the stage and gank this fool. How am I gonna get past...

My musings are cut short as one of the madmen in the crowd decides it would be funny to push me.

Oh, right. In these cities there are a bunch of lunatics and drunkards that push you for no reason. The downside of this is twofold: first, if you kill the son of a bitch you lose half your hitpoints for some contrived reason; second, them pushing you alerts the guards in your area that you're up to something.

So, the retard pushes me in front of all the guards, and they all decide that I'd look good with a few dozen swords sticking out of my cranium. I die, swear loudly, and reload.

Alright, let's try this again. I make sure to avoid the lunatic, trying to figure out how I'm going to kill Homeboy. Then I notice a bunch of monks standing in the corner, and start to get suspicious of how this is going to go. You see, if you "blend" (the game's version of being sneaky, which usually means you walk at 0.25 miles per hour) next to a group of monks, you can walk with them and the guards will ignore you. So, I do just that.

The monks approach the ring of guards, who let them through for no goddamn reason. Not only that, but the monks walk right onto the fucking stage and stand next to Homeboy. At this point I'm grinding my teeth in irritation. This is one of the most contrived, retarded things I've seen in a game for some time. Whatever. If it'll help me finish this mission, I'm all for it.

So I target Homeboy and move to shank him in the torso (which, apparently, leads to instananeous death), but as soon as I get near him he realizes that the group of monks weren't just on stage to spectate, and draws steel. So do all the guards.

Instead of trying again, I mutter "Fuck it" under my breath, and proceed to murder the hell out of every single one of them. I then make a cinematic escape by running across the rooftops of the city, which is a blast. Mission accomplished!

That's pretty much the way the game goes for every mission. A retarded plan of attack that typically results in a copious amount of bloodshed, followed by an exhilirating chase.

You can also collect Flags in the game, though I wouldn't reccommend it, seeing as how the game-world is huge and there are upwards of 600 Flags to find.

Was the game fun? Yes, it was. Would I recommend it? I would, but with this warning: the game is often frustrating to the point of tears for fucking stupid design reasons. Oh, and if you're looking for an ending, don't bother. We're talking Halo 2 status, here.

That's all for now. Peace!