The Ring (REVIEW!)

Now, I'm not a big horror movie person. I think I can count on one hand the number of horror movies I've watched from beginning to end (Freddy vs. Jason doesn't count). But when I heard people start talking about The Ring, I was intrigued. I asked my friend Kev if I could borrow it, and he was kind enough to let me.

I popped it in one morning and made it about twenty minutes in before wussing-out and shutting it off.

That was two years ago.

Fast forward to last week, when my roomate starts talking about it. I suddenly remember that I still had it in my possession (such is my relationship with Kev. We frequently borrow things from each other for extended periods of time, and only give them back after one of us says, "Hey, don't you have my X?", and then proceed to nag the other interminably until the object in question has been returned.), and offer to watch it with her.

The Ring, ladies and gentlemen, is a fucking stupid movie.

I mean, besides the obviously retarded premise (this little girl is killing people who watch this really shitty video!), the way they handle things is just dumb. The heroine of the movie (I don't even remeber her name) is certifiably retarded. I mean, really. I cannot even begin to explain how dumb this chick is. Every action she takes in this movie is driven by a stupidity so profound it's almost a spiritual experience. The villain (Samara, creepy little ghost girl with some serious issues) is interesting, but so much is left unexplained that I nearly tore my (what little) hair (I have left) out in frustration. How does she burn things with her hands? What the fuck's up with the tape? How is it that she has such incredible talent with electronics? Instead of being creeped out, I wound up being enraged. I understand that there's, like, four of these movies out now, but I'm not so interested as to subject myself to more of this tripe. I'll probably just look it up on Wikipedia, or something.

(I just looked it up: it wasn't worth the time spent.)

There was only one part of the movie that I truly enjoyed, because I thought it was delightfully funny (though I imagine it probably wasn't supposed to be...ah well). I'm not going to spoil it for anyone who is still planning on watching this piece of crap, but I will say this: my first reaction was "HAH! You're really fucked now!"

The movie also begs the quesion: how long will the "creepy little girl" thing still be creepy? I mean, there's so many "creepy little girl" things out that you'd think it would, I dunno, get a little boring? It's a bad time to be holding "creepy little girl" stock, I'll tell you that much!

Anyway, The Ring gets a rating of 2/5, because it made me laugh at times.